Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
