i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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