If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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