oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
