Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
