i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
