the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
