I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
