i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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