Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
