I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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