you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
