I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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