my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
