One girl and one boy is just not enough.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
