I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
