just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Someone signed my nipple.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize