Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
