going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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