Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
