If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
