So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I look better un-naked...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
