some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
