u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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