I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she smelled like a LAN party
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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