my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
