I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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