hotel room ftw
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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