First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
