Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
