i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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