I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
