nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
