My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
