Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
