hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
pray to the hookup gods
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
