dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
