sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
