remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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