How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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