All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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