I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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