Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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