The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
