I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
