4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
