I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
