i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
