i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
