If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
