If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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