Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
