I didn't shave. On purpose
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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