I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
