Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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