Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
