Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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