I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
