I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
