i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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